It was Always Her
by MizukoMidori
Summary: Anya thinks about her time with Xander and come to a conclusion and a deciosion. PG-13 for blunt mention of sex and mild language.


It Was Always Her  
  
By Rachel  
  
I knew it was too good to be true. From the moment I laid eyes on you. I was a vengeance demon. I wasn't meant to love. I had been scorned and was meant to punish men. But you and your friends took my power away. And for awhile I hated you. At least your friends.  
  
And then there was you. You were there and didn't hold anything against me. At least I don't think you did, because you agreed to take me to the prom. I guess I wasn't ready to be human again. To have feelings. Especially those kinds of feelings. But I did and you let me have them. You were kind to me, taught me to be human, and loved me.  
  
Yes I know you loved me. Just not in the way you thought you did. The way I wanted you to. The way I thought you did. That became ever so clear as we grew closer. We did get off to a rocky start me cursing you and all. And then after graduation I came to you. I came to you and we had sex. And the sex was enjoyable.  
  
I feel like I took you for granted. Like I used you just for the wonderful sex. But I loved you with all that I had. The sex was just my way of showing it. As you could probably tell I never was much good with the words. You were always kind enough to remind me of that.  
  
When you proposed to me you had put all my fears at rest. I knew you loved me and only me. Because you wanted to be with me forever. Or at least as long as mortals live, which is what around eighty-five years. Lately I had been fearing your attraction to Willow had come back. I had reason to. You'd defend her in arguments, always rush to protect her. I felt like I was just there and nothing. After Glory though, that was all put into the fire. I knew that you loved me, or at least thought you did.  
  
Once again I was wrong though. Or right, it depends on how you look at it. What with Buffy's coming back, Tara's leaving Willow, Willow's magic abuse, and everything that happened. Even with all that though things were going good. We were going to be married.  
  
Then you had your insecurities. Your second thoughts. Your doubts. I know it was mostly caused by what that bastard had shown you, but I also know that deep down you had these fears all along. You were too afraid to hurt me. You did though. You hurt me more then anyone before. Even more than the last time I was scorned, when I became a vengeance demon.  
  
Then there was Willow. Don't get me wrong, I like Willow. I was jealous of her for awful long time, but even then I liked her. Who couldn't help but like her. Especially you. You love Willow. You love her more than anything I know. More than me. And that is what hurts. Even though somewhere inside of me I knew it all along.  
  
It's her. It was always her. No matter who else you might've thought you loved, you always loved her. She was always there for you. And you got to be there for her. In her time of need. You stopped her from destroying the world and destroying herself. For that you are a hero.  
  
You also came to terms with your true feelings though didn't you? You realized that she was the one for you. The girl you would always love. The one that mattered most in your life. It hurts yes, but it hurts less then it should because I always knew it. I just didn't want to admit it.  
  
I'll always love you Xander. I want you to know that. I love still with all my being. Which is why I cannot stay here. As long as I stay you'll fool yourself into loving me when you don't. So go Xander, go be with Willow. You'll help her through this and you to will be happy. If I have to kill half of Sunnydale for it to happen.  
  
I'm leaving. I'm leaving and I probably won't be coming back. I'm going back to my old job of cursing people. Though I won't quite inflict as harsh punishments because I still carry my humanity. The humanity you gave me.  
  
May our lives cross paths again Xander, Until then, Goodbye.  
  
THE END! 


End file.
